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How To Avoid Secret Internet Fatties

secret-internet-fattySixty six percent of Americans are now obese or overweight. That means fat women are everywhere. Online dating sites are overrun by fatties, just like the real world. An American man dating online must carefully avoid wasting time on land whales.

Fatties instinctively know that normals don’t desire them. But, did you know that fat women crave attention just like thin women? And they’ll go to great lengths to hide their weight.  Fat women are crafty. Don’t be fooled by their trickery. Your life is short, don’t waste precious time on secret internet fatties (SIFs).

I’ve been dating online for a while. There are beautiful women online and I have slept with many of them. But I’ve fucked up badly as well. I’m not proud to admit that fat girls have tricked me into dates. Out of necessity, I’ve developed highly tuned SIF radar. You too can learn to avoid online fatties and focus on banging hotties instead. Here’s how to spot a land whale.

1) No Body Shots

This is a common fattie indicator. Only women with something to hide don’t have full body pics. Some fat women have very pretty faces. These types can suck you in and trick you into thinking they are thin. Don’t be fooled. Women with hot bodies love showing them off to the world.

2) Food References

Food is generally a bad sign. I avoid reading profiles, so I miss these sometimes. Food references in her user name or in her “things I can’t live without” list are big fat, red flags.

3) Food Pictures

Obvious. If she has pictures of her holding food, eating food, or pretending to eat food then she is probably shamefully fat. These sorts of pictures are disgusting to look at and show a lack of class on her part. Fucking nasty. Next.

4) Get In The Kitchen

There is one important exception. Pictures of hot girls cooking food are incredibly sexy. LADIES! This only applies to thin, attractive women. I love having attractive, half-naked young women cook for me. And it’s a way of testing their worth as long-term mates. If a women can’t cook, how will she keep her future children fed?  Kids need healthy, home-cooked meals. Women who cannot cook are mostly worthless, only good for sex.

5) Code Breaking

Dating sites allow a woman to pick her body type. What a mistake. Of course, women are very dishonest about their figures. Let’s decode it:

  • Average = Chunky
  • Curvy = Fat
  • A Little Extra = Obese
  • Overweight = Fucking Behemoth

Stick to girls who describe themselves as “skinny” or “athletic.” Occasionally, you’ll find a “curvy” girl who actually is the hot kind of curvy. That’s rare.

Trying to nail down an online date, but think she might be a fat girl? Screen her out. Here’s how to defend against the SIF.

1) Body Pics

Insist on a recent full-body shot. Hot girls will send you one with no problem. You don’t need naked pictures at first. Just enough to see her body. If she refuses to send pics of her body pre-date? Cancel the date right away.

2) Facebook Stalk Her

Facebook friend her before the first date. Look at her most recent shots. Is she fat? If so, delete her from Facebook and cancel the date immediately.

3) Fat-Proof Your Profile

Here’s a good way to screen out chunky girls. The last line of my profile clearly states that “I refuse to date fat women.”  It comes off as arrogant and cocky. It hasn’t kept me from seducing women. Sometimes I don’t look at a profile carefully and accidentally send an opener to a fat girl. Once she reads that line she knows better than to email me back. I also get occasional emails from angry fatties or butt-hurt feminists. A man with standards! Unacceptable! Like I said, a great way of screening out undesirables.

Online dating is a great way to meet and fuck attractive women. Don’t be discouraged by all the secret internet fatties! Once you know what to look for, you’ll become adept at avoiding these internet hand grenades.

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  • Ed

    Funny lol. The amount of big girls online is discouraging. There are two pieces that make it difficult:

    1. As you mentioned, if you’re not careful you will waste a bunch of time meeting women that flat out lied about their unattractiveness (and no, your inner beauty doesn’t translate to attractiveness).

    2. Women worth meeting are swarmed by every guy. Let’s say she’s 35. Every dumbass 18 year-old to every creepy 75 year-old is messaging her. It’s easy for your message to get lost in the wash.

    Let me add to your list of fat girl indicators:

    - She shows *some* of her body, but not all at once. The ones I’ve been fooled by are pictures where she may be lying down in a field or something where her gut and fat thighs are hidden.

    - She lists her body type as ‘athletic’, but again she fails to give a clear body shot. So you assume that she really is athletic. One can be athletic, but also thick. Just because she can squat 300 lbs doesn’t mean that she’s not 185 lbs. Also, she can think that she’s technically right by claiming that she’s athletic because she plays on a softball league that meets weekly and just basically is the place where she gets plastered with her friends. In this case, she also has a beer gut that would make any guy wince.

    - She mentions that she’s ‘not there but working hard on her body’. She’s definitely morbidly obese and is trying to lure in some poor sucker who wants to believe that she’s thin enough after all of the work she’s put in already.

    - She has blatant sexual overtones in her conversations with you. Fat girls are starved for sexual attention as no guy wants to touch her. Also, this is another lure that she has to throw out there to hook some guy into meeting her that no respectable woman would have to do.

    - There’s no chase involved. Any woman worth meeting will make you work at least a little for it. Big girls usually initiate the conversation and will reply back to any email, text or voice message in no more than 5 minutes.

    That’s awesome that you can get away with the ‘no fat girls’ disclaimer on your profile, and it’s even more awesome that you rub it in some feminist’s face. I’ve always thought that most women would see it and it would be such a turnoff that they would move on. But it probably would be worth it rather than wasting time being tricked by a chunker…

  • Halfbreed

    Thanks for the additional info, all good suggestions.

    I’ve actually toned down my profile since I first wrote this. But, the “no fat girls disclaimer” really didn’t generate as much anger as I thought it would when I did have it up. Some, but not too much. And the girls who did get pissed off tended to be fat, or feminists, so who cares. It was rare that an attractive girl would get upset about it.

    I still have a no fatties disclaimer, but it’s much more subtle and indirect now. I’ve tried several variations. It’s fun experimenting with, just to see what kind of responses you get.

  • Halfbreed

    It’s not satire.

  • BlueMoney

    Hey, so he’s not a settler. (Who wants to be Daniel Boone anyway?;)

  • Halfbreed

    Although, Daniel Boone was pretty awesome. ;)